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鈥淵ou are so resilient!鈥�

A client recently told me that she hears some version of that statement somewhat regularly. While she understands it comes from a place of good intentions, she has mixed emotions about it.

Often when someone acknowledges another鈥檚 resiliency it is in the context of their admiration of the person鈥檚 strength, endurance, or determination. It is meant as a compliment 鈥� recognition of the work being done. It can feel unintentionally heavy, as if resiliency is all about grit, toughness, or mental fortitude. People who feel they must be resilient in the face of their challenges can also feel exhausted by it.

I recently delivered my 鈥淩esiliency Reimagined鈥� talk to a room full of senior HR leaders. At the event we were discussing what keeps them up at night 鈥� and acknowledging how our usual stress coping mechanisms of avoiding, suppressing, resisting, obsessing, or worrying are not effective strategies!

The invitation instead is to build sustainable resiliency 鈥� the kind that embodies mental, emotional, and social well-being.

That鈥檚 where an unexpected trait of resiliency comes in: social connections. Resilient people don鈥檛 go it alone. Meaningful relationships buffer our stress, provide mutual support, and give us a place to feel seen and heard during our peaks and our valleys. A resilient person鈥檚 energy is sourced in part from a feeling of belonging.

Genuine belonging allows us to show up authentically 鈥� with our hopes and fears, our strengths and weaknesses, our confidences and our vulnerabilities. When we feel like we truly belong there鈥檚 a sense of safety and security. It鈥檚 where we can flourish.

During my talk I asked participants, by a show of hands, 鈥淗ow many of you are good at asking for help?鈥� Not a single hand went up. Then I asked, 鈥淗ow many of you are willing to help when asked?鈥� A sea of hands raised. People in helping professions, and those who embody the spirit of servant leadership, tend to be willing to offer support, but don鈥檛 know how to ask for help for themselves.

Resilient relationships must be nurtured. They require mutual respect and trust. They call for reciprocity in shared effort, care, and support.

My learning journey of asking for help

I admit that for a long time I was not great at asking for help. Heck, it didn鈥檛 even occur to me that it was an option! My fierce independence can be a blessing (resourcefulness) and a curse (stubbornness).

One of my early opportunities to learn this lesson came when I was 35 years old. I joined some friends on the mountain for my first time snowboarding. I had heard it was a steep learning curve, so I elected to take an introductory class. The first run was full of catching edges. I was down more than I was up. After one fall I attempted to get up and discovered I couldn鈥檛 bear weight on my left wrist. When I switched to get up on the other side, I discovered I couldn鈥檛 bear weight on my right wrist. Yep, I broke them both! The several weeks that followed were a crash course in learning how to ask for and accept help!

Fast-forward, and I had a client challenge that I could not quite wrap my head around. I was at an impasse. That鈥檚 when I realized something. It鈥檚 in the struggle that we can seek support! I texted my mentor/coach Sally to ask for help. She eagerly replied, 鈥渨ould love to.鈥� Within 15 minutes we had a breakthrough!

Today, I am a member of 鈥淭he Upside鈥� 鈥� a consortium of diverse consultants who show up for each other regularly. There isn鈥檛 a day that goes by without a shout-out of gratitude for what another member did to lend a hand. The generosity is abundant and contagious. And we are all better for it.

What鈥檚 your relationship to asking for help?

Asking for help does not display weakness; it builds strength. Seeking advice does not reveal incompetence; it reflects respect for another person鈥檚 insight.

Reflect on when and how you look to others in your orbit for support. If you want your team to come to you for help when they need it, you will want to model a healthy way to do so, which includes not having all the answers!

Done well, asking for help can set the stage for impactful collaboration and contribution. It is also a signal that you hold someone in high regard and trust them with your vulnerability. Vulnerability is a pathway to connection, and connection is a pathway to resiliency.

Where can you seek support?

Where do you feel overwhelmed, lost, or stuck? What are you resisting? What鈥檚 on your plate that you could delegate? Consider these areas to be prime support-seeking opportunities!

How can you start asking for help?

If, like me, asking for help feels awkward, here are some tips to get started:

• Ask for someone鈥檚 opinion, perspective, or advice: 鈥淲hat do you think about 鈥︹��
• Ask for feedback on something you are tackling
• Share a goal and ask someone to be your accountability partner
• Try asking, 鈥淗ey do you have some time to brainstorm some ideas with me?鈥�

Asking for help is a sign of a humble leader committed to growth. And you鈥檒l find that giving and receiving help is an investment in your relationships and your resiliency!

P.S. Can鈥檛 I just ask AI? Sure you can, but remember that resiliency resides in cultivating the kind of relationships that bring us the kind of connection we will experience only through real conversations.

You likely already ask, 鈥淗ow can I help?鈥� Consider adding, 鈥淐ould you help me?鈥�

Karen Natzel is a business therapist who helps leaders create healthy, vibrant, and high-performing organizations. To share ideas about topics you鈥檇 like to see explored in future columns, contact her at 503-806-4361 or [email protected].

The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed in the preceding commentary are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the Daily Journal of Commerce or its editors. Neither the author nor the 91视频 guarantees the accuracy or completeness of any information published herein.