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Dear Mr. Berko: I have owned 30 shares of JPMorgan Chase in my independent retirement account since they sold for $63 each in February 2000. After you read this, I want to know if I should sell my stock in protest.

Last year, you recommended I invest $4,000 in a certificate of deposit with Countrywide Bank. I did because it was a good 3 percent, nine-month rate. It came due last week, so I asked Countrywide to send a check to Washington Mutual, which is now JPMorgan Chase and where I鈥檝e had an account since 1987. I discovered that Countrywide charged me $10 when it sent my money to Chase, and the JPMorgan Chase bank here in Winter Park, Fla., charged me $25 just to accept my check. They are stealing my money. They never told me that there would be a $25 charge. I spoke to a lady at Chase and nicely asked her if she would credit my account for the $25 fee for accepting the Countrywide check in my account. This lady was rude as can be. When I asked to talk to her supervisor, she said she was the supervisor. I stupidly said, 鈥淭hank you,鈥� and hung up. Now I鈥檓 angry for letting myself be intimidated by her aggressiveness. I鈥檓 a longtime good customer and should never have been treated like that.

I am angry and I want my $25 back 鈥� and my $10, too 鈥� and I want to write to someone in authority and tell them that I鈥檝e been a customer for 22 years and that they made me feel like a piece of you know what. Please give me the name and address of the CEO of JPMorgan Chase or someone else who would read my letter, apologize and return my $25. How can they do that?

S.G.
Winter Park, Fla.

Dear S.G.: The CEO of JPMorgan Chase (JPM-$32.92) is a prominent member of the blue blood, Eastern establishment and uses the name of James L. 鈥淛amie鈥� Dimon. The address of Jamie鈥檚 posh corporate digs is 270 Park Ave. in New York City. You should see it 鈥� not even Julius Caesar鈥檚 reign could match the reeking opulence, the excessive grandeur and the awesome majesty of Jamie鈥檚 office. Even John Alexander Thain, the former CEO of Merrill Lynch, called it the eighth wonder of the world. Last fall, when JPMorgan Chase needed bushels of billions to reinforce its capital accounts, Jamie devised a scheme by which the government used our tax dollars to purchase $25 billion of a new JPMorgan Chase preferred stock. Frankly, Jamie, who in 2008 earned $41 million as CEO, doesn鈥檛 give a fig or a ficus about your crummy $25. Posting him a note will have about as much impact as a teardrop in a rainstorm. This Harvard-educated 鈥渕artini master鈥� is the snake who approved that $25 charge, and he wouldn鈥檛 deign to make an exception for a commoner like you. I鈥檝e received other complaints about JPMorgan Chase鈥檚 frivolous charges. I will give you the same advice I gave others: Move your accounts to a competitor and 鈥渟pread the word.鈥� Remember, these are the vipers that strangled consumers with hurtful, villainous credit card charges and fees.

鈥淗ow can they do that?鈥� The answer is simple. They are JPMorgan Chase. They can do anything they want. If each of their 5,500 branches accepts 10 checks a day, those $25 charges are worth $500 million a year in new income. Anyhow, JPMorgan Chase customers may want to check their bank statements to see if this black-hearted bank euchred other fees from their deposits, too. But the worst damage, after paying $35 in fees, is that you earned only 2.1 percent on your CD, not 3 percent. Countrywide and JPMorgan Chase have you by the kidneys, and there鈥檚 nothing you can do.

I鈥檝e also sent you the names of JPMorgan Chase鈥檚 board of directors. Write letters to each of those prissy blue bloods, who also approved that charge. But don鈥檛 expect a reply. I also suggest you write the Florida Office of Financial Regulation, so I鈥檝e e-mailed you names and addresses of the 10 key officials in Tallahassee. Then write your congressman and your state representatives and the Orlando Sentinel. While those efforts may make you feel better, they won鈥檛 accomplish bubkes. JPMorgan Chase has staffs of lawyers and lobbyists who toss cash like confetti to state and federal legislators, greasing every legislative wheel that squeaks.

Meanwhile, sell your 30 shares of JPMorgan Chase, which I鈥檓 confident will fail to return to the $63 level. I would also sell the stock because it has a $90 TRILLION exposure in a $470 trillion derivative market. In other words, JPMorgan Chase owns 17 percent of this nasty paper that Jamie has buried in the company鈥檚 balance sheet. That $90 trillion exposure scares the bejabbers out of me. Do you know what comes after trillion?

Address your financial questions to Malcolm Berko, c/o The Daily Journal of Commerce, P.O. Box 1416, Boca Raton, FL 33429, or e-mail him at [email protected].
漏 Creators Syndicate Inc.